I have to accept the fact I can not live without medicine now. Yet medicine gives me both a life and insanity.
Someday, I could not distinguish between shampoo and soap. I was trying hard to recognize the shampoo, but I could not.
One other day, I opened the control panel in Windows and was looking for the control panel inside the control panel. I could not notice my mistake.
I had been trying to clean my room. But I can not find out what to do.
I want to cook, but I can not figure out what I should start with.
I have to overcome the crowded train, but currently I can never even think about it.
I have to try talking with the people, but I lose my words when I think about talking with somebody.
If I talk with somebody and hear some words with negative thinking, I feel like dying.
My soul is stark and desolated like Sahara desert when I try to do something new.
My heart is filled with too much tears but I never cry for myself. Because somebody will worry about me when I let my tears out.
Therefore, I have to fight against my evil and despair alone.
Is the cause of this insanity the medicine? Or is my sickness the very cause? I frequently stop any movement, when I have some problems.
Still I can not quit taking medicine. Quitting medicine is fatal to me.
I am so disappointed about myself. I am being useless in the public. Even in my home.
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I often think about the satisfaction of the soul of human being such as the deepest sorrow and the highest pleasure.
The deepest sorrow comes true when I feel like I\\\’m not needed from anybody.
My soul can feel the highest pleasure when I try everything of my effort to make somebody happy.
Therefore, I should live for somebody else or something else, instead of myself.
This has been my rule of life since my vision of life and death had been born in this world.
I hear the most of the people don\\\’t have a deep thought of life and death. That\\\’s because they don\\\’t like to think about death. Death is the most terrible event in the end of life for such kind of people.
Death is the other side of life. It means you will never be able to understand the life without understanding the death.
While I am sickness, I feel like worth of my life became so cheap and light. But it is not true. I was too selfish to understand the real worth of my life before my sickness. I should have understood it in my earlier days.
The most terrible thing in this sickness is the fact that people suicide easily when they get this sickness.
I had not been able to see the light of sunrise for a long time. I still doubt whether I am seeing the light now or not.
There is no accurate criterion to compare the condition of my soul. It is helpless. My thought repeats many, many times, the same location. I can never get out of that circle.
It is perfectly stronger than my intention.
I can tell you the sad thing; Even I can not understand such kind of despair when my condition is good. How can I hope the healthy people to understand this sickness?
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Finally, I have decided to put something here, reserving myself for the rest of my life. I could not stand to keep exposing my previous entries here, so I thought those entries will not be published again. However, those are still part of me. Anyway, I came back here for myself.
First of all, I have to explain why I am using English here.
I do not want everybody to read this easily. That is all.
During almost a year, I have been in the depth of despair. Sometimes I feel like I found a streak of light, but after a moment I am in the deep darkness. It is too hard to explain how I feel and what I see now in this world. My sense of value seems to have been changed gradually since I have been troubled with this difficult problem inside myself. Some complicated things which used to trouble me became so simple now, in exchange for some other simple things started bothering me everyday. I am unconsciousness sure I already understood what the root cause is. There must be plural causes as the factors. But I have been failing to unite those factors to one consciousness. It means I can not explain anything. I need more time for understanding this. Maybe if somebody assists me, I can reach the answer a lot earlier, but my doctor denies meeting a mental counselor. Why not? (Actually I am about to change my primary doctor)
In my process cleaning up my problems, I have learned some important fact. Even if the cause is others, the responsibility is mine.
Do I have to own the responsibility of what I have done? Yes.
Do I have to take the responsibility of the things that happens to me? Yes.
I had been trying to find out the meaning of life since I was born. I must reconsider the method even if the things are helpless and uncontrollable.
So that I believe that the reason I became sickness is in me, I believe the cause and responsibility of my sickness is the right path to the right answer. I can take the responsibilities. However, how can I prevent the cause?
In this case, I should use my imagination. I imagine and imagine the situation that I could find something out to prevent my sickness in the past.
I think I am getting better than before, but there is still one definite problem to go back to the society.
First, I have to recall something from my past. Secondly, I have to erase it again in right way. I named this method “Evanescent reminiscence”.
Do you live for someone, or live for yourself? I know the answer. But the point is not the answer. The point is my answer never fits to the public trend opinion about this kind of questions. How come they can say they live for themselves? I can not understand what the worth of life is for the people who live for themselves.
I do not want to lie. I do not want to lose my purpose for my life. That means I can never live with such kind of people.
There is the key to dig my problem.
That is all I know now.
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それまで思いも及ばなかったような哲学的なことを考えてしまったり、過去に経験したことがないほど精神が研ぎすまされたような感覚になって、自分でもハッとしてしまうほど論理的な思考ができたりする。そして次の日は一日中霞がかかったような状態で、記憶の映像が古い白黒映画とか微かに色のついたセピア色のような感じで、端のほうが白濁している。霞んだ精神状態は主観的に確認できないので、晴れ渡って初めて曇っていたことがわかる。薬のせいなのか病気のせいなのか知らないが、この高揚と沈降の反復はとても疲れる。そして生み出されたものは無為に闇の中へ失われていく。
続きを読む…
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