Evanescent reminiscence

Finally, I have decided to put something here, reserving myself for the rest of my life. I could not stand to keep exposing my previous entries here, so I thought those entries will not be published again. However, those are still part of me. Anyway, I came back here for myself.
First of all, I have to explain why I am using English here.
I do not want everybody to read this easily. That is all.
During almost a year, I have been in the depth of despair. Sometimes I feel like I found a streak of light, but after a moment I am in the deep darkness. It is too hard to explain how I feel and what I see now in this world. My sense of value seems to have been changed gradually since I have been troubled with this difficult problem inside myself. Some complicated things which used to trouble me became so simple now, in exchange for some other simple things started bothering me everyday. I am unconsciousness sure I already understood what the root cause is. There must be plural causes as the factors. But I have been failing to unite those factors to one consciousness. It means I can not explain anything. I need more time for understanding this. Maybe if somebody assists me, I can reach the answer a lot earlier, but my doctor denies meeting a mental counselor. Why not? (Actually I am about to change my primary doctor)
In my process cleaning up my problems, I have learned some important fact. Even if the cause is others, the responsibility is mine.
Do I have to own the responsibility of what I have done? Yes.
Do I have to take the responsibility of the things that happens to me? Yes.
I had been trying to find out the meaning of life since I was born. I must reconsider the method even if the things are helpless and uncontrollable.
So that I believe that the reason I became sickness is in me, I believe the cause and responsibility of my sickness is the right path to the right answer. I can take the responsibilities. However, how can I prevent the cause?
In this case, I should use my imagination. I imagine and imagine the situation that I could find something out to prevent my sickness in the past.
I think I am getting better than before, but there is still one definite problem to go back to the society.
First, I have to recall something from my past. Secondly, I have to erase it again in right way. I named this method “Evanescent reminiscence”.
Do you live for someone, or live for yourself? I know the answer. But the point is not the answer. The point is my answer never fits to the public trend opinion about this kind of questions. How come they can say they live for themselves? I can not understand what the worth of life is for the people who live for themselves.
I do not want to lie. I do not want to lose my purpose for my life. That means I can never live with such kind of people.
There is the key to dig my problem.
That is all I know now.